“No, no, you're going about it all wrong,” Vlad the Impaler said, chastising John Wayne Gacy. Gacy was rolling a body into a trench he had dug in his basement crawlspace.

“You're going to run out of room,” Vlad said. “You have to dislocate the major joints first, like this.”
Vlad pretended to dislocate his elbow. He pushed his dangling forearm back and forth like a pendulum. “See? See?” Vlad burst into a gale of laughter which didn't subside until tears were flowing from his eyes. Gacy wasn't amused. He shook his head began shoveling dirt onto the body in the trench.

Vlad seemed to sense the inappropriateness of his outburst and fell into a subdued silence.

“I'm terribly sorry,” Vlad said. “I know this is serious business, but sometimes I can't...hey John, or should I call you 'Pogo'?” Vlad poked John Wayne Gacy in the side. “Who's on first? Huh? Who's on first?”

An increasingly irritated Gacy pushed his shovel into the dirt and leaned on the handle. “What are you talking about?”

“No, What's on second!” Vlad blurted, howling laughter once again. Gacy slapped Vlad's face, and The Impaler fell silent.

“Now look,” Gacy said. “I know you're a legend in this field, but if you're not going to help you might as well leave.”

“A thousand apologies,” Vlad said, wiping his eyes. Gacy turned back to his work.

“I'm honored that you'd consult me on a case as large as this one,” Vlad said. “By the way, have you considered cremating some of your victims and burying their ashes in a Grecian urn?”

“What's a Grecian urn?” Gacy asked.

“About two thousand drachmas a day!” Vlad fell to the floor laughing, rolling and holding his stomach. Gacy took the shovel and used it to separate Vlad's head from his body. He dug another trench and buried Vlad's corpse.

Gacy brushed the dirt from his hands as he went back upstairs. “There's only room for one clown in this basement,” he muttered, turning off the basement light and closing the door behind him.


"Clowning Around"
 
Copyright: © 2011 Robert C. Eccles
 
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Robert C. Eccles is a radio news reporter and anchor who enjoys writing short horror and sci-fi stories.

6 comments:

  1. Great story Bob. Funny and creepy at the same time. Two legends I would have never thought to put together. Outstanding!

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  2. Glad you enjoyed it!

    This was my response to Steve Lowe's prompt in the Liquid Imagination office on Zoetrope to write a story that included:

    1. John Wayne Gacy's crawl space
    2. Vlad the Impaler
    3. The compulsive need to perform stand-up comedy.

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  3. There's no way I could have completed a challenge like that. Nice one.

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  4. Hilarious!

    Gacy would fuck up anyone who disrespected his crawl space.

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