The New Flesh

‘It’s a suicide note you can dance to, baby,’

I woke up this morning to fog drifting through my living room and a song stuck in my head. In a world where words hurt, these ones strangely soothed me and set my scars a tingle. My toes tapped air and I broke my own rule by getting up before noon.

‘It’s a suicide note you can dance to, baby,
that pain that gets us through.’

A smile found its way onto my face, it was weird, but I decided to just go with it. The forward momentum of motivation jerked me into my morning routine. The smile itched and I almost lost the song to a random thought about blood stains-how they taste and fade.

‘It’s a suicide note you can dance to, baby,
that pain that gets us through.
When you’re bleeding, you’re never alo-oo-ne.’

I stood in front of the mirror naked so I could berate myself out loud. I keep track of my failures by carving X’s on myself; I look like I’m wearing a fleshy plaid bodysuit. I traced the heart-shaped scar on my chest with a trembling finger and pondered the future.

‘It’s a suicide note you can dance to, baby,
that pain that gets us through.
When you’re bleeding, you’re never alo-oo-ne.
A pound of flesh will pay your dues,’

Next I felt hope, I think, because my normally steady fingers were jittery as I removed my razor blade from my necklace. I dug the blade into the scar and dragged it along the heart shaped outline as I had so many times before. Maybe this time would be different, maybe this time I could feel. The unscarred flesh inside the heart turned red as the disfigurement burst open in the razor's wake. The cut was perfect and I felt my blood-warm and sticky-flowing down my stomach. I felt nothing inside. I failed, yet again, but I have no more room for X’s. My smile did nothing but mock me. Good thing I can sing without lips.

‘It’s a suicide note you can dance to, baby
that pain that gets us through.
When you’re bleeding, you’re never alo-oo-ne.
A pound of flesh will pay your dues,
Oh, yeah, baby, it’s the self-mutilation blues.’

"The Self-Mutilation Blues"

Copyright: © 2011 Jonathan Moon

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Jonathan Moon is the horrorcore author of Mr. Moon's Nightmares, the upcoming HEINOUS, and co-author of The Apocalypse and Satan's Glory Hole with Tim Long. You can keep one eye on him at all times by following his Monkey Faced Demon blog at http://www.mrmoonblogs.blogspot.com/.