God, it was just one date, and not a good one at that. A so-so dinner and a horrible movie...something with a train in it. At the end of the evening I gave her a kiss and said, "See you around."
That night it began. Phone call after phone call. "I love you...I can't stop thinking about you..." She was like one of those annoying pull-string dolls that say the same thing over and over.
She began showing up everywhere. Outside my apartment. In the parking lot where I work. At the bar where me and my buddies hang out. I told her to stop. Keep away or I'd call the police. But she didn't listen. The night I found her in my kitchen preparing our one-week anniversary dinner I just snapped.
I carried her out into the garage, grabbed an ax, and chopped off her legs so she'd stop following me. But she dragged herself back into the kitchen like a trained seal, blood trailing in a wide smear. "Don't worry, I'll clean that up," she said with an adoring smile. She blew me a kiss, balancing on one hand.
So I took a meat cleaver and hacked off her arms, but she merely wriggled about like one of those air-breathing fish that crosses dry land to get to the next pond. The smile remained. "Time for dinner!" she said.
At last, I lopped off her head and set it on the counter beside the tuna casserole she'd made. To my dismay she kept right on smiling and her vocal cords worked just fine. "I love you," she cooed, scrunching her nose.
Now, I know what you're thinking. Cut out her tongue, poke out her eyes. But I got to tell you, she was beginning to grow on me. I think this one's a keeper.
Copyright: © 2011 Kurt Newton