“I’ve never eaten a transsexual before,” Spider told Jenny Loveless. While speaking, it scrutinized her minutely.

“I assure you we taste just the same as everyone else does,” Jenny replied, frantically trying to figure a way out of this latest mess her greed had gotten her into.

She was currently suspended ten feet in the air, wrapped in stinging coils of toilet-fetid web. Her gun lay twenty feet away.

Spider stopped studying Jenny. It walked over to Millicent’s broken corpse. It ripped off her left leg and began eating it. Jenny shut her eyes, wished she could plug her ears to the sound of breaking bone, shredding flesh . . .


Jenny Loveless was still unsure what had gone wrong. She and Millicent Ball had broken into Apartment 29, only it hadn’t been there, just a ruined space full of broken furniture and . . . Spider.

“Look out!” she’d yelled, turning to flee. She’d heard the dull thuds of Spider’s fangs piercing Millie’s body, then felt burning web lasso her own.


“You look delicious,” Spider told her, “Packed with juice. I can’t wait to suck you dry.”

An idea occurred to Jenny; one so absurd it seemed worth a try. “Let me tell you a story,” she said.

“Uh?” Spider stroked her face with a hairy foreleg. Jenny felt as if several cockroaches were walking on her. “What?”

“Entertainment while you’re eating Millicent--so you don’t get bored. Storytelling’s my profession. I promise you this one’ll be good.”

“Oh, I don’t know,” Spider said. “It seems creepy to get on too familiar terms with your meals.”

With nerves of steel, Jenny concealed her desperation. “Look, humor me. Okay, so you’re going to eat me afterwards. Still, it’s considered sporting to grant a condemned man’s last request.”

“You’re not a man . . .”

“Woman then . . .”

“You’re not that either.” Spider was genuinely bemused by her androgyny.

Her fear gave way to exasperation. “WHAT HAS MY GENDER GOT TO DO WITH ANYTHING? JUST LET ME TELL YOU A FUCKING STORY!” Her voice calmed a little. “Back off, sit down, eat Millie’s right leg and listen. Entertainment is good for digestion.”

“Oh alright,” Spider said, taken aback by her vehemence, confused by her insistence on this oddness. The leg it’d already eaten had also put it in a more amenable mood than it had been in when the pair had broken into its lair.

After following Jenny’s suggestion and ripping off Millicent’s right leg, it sat and listened.

“Once upon a time there was a beautiful, beautiful woman named Scheherazade Clinton,” Jenny began. “This happened a long time ago, when time was still reckoned in A.D. and B.C. and not A.G. like we do now, loooooooong before Gutuz the barrier locked everyone down here.

“Now, beautiful Scheherazade was in love with a young hunchback named Aladdin, only he didn’t like her in return, being more interested in a female genius . . .”


Spider was surprised at how much it liked the story. True, it was very long, but it was great to hear how Scheherazade Clinton, seeing that Aladdin disliked her, gave some magic beans to Jack and told him to climb the beanstalk and get the Three Blind Mice Musketeers, and then . . .”

Listening in keen multi-eyed interest, Spider ate the rest of Millicent’s limbs and her head also. They tasted gooooooood--entertainment really did help digestion.

Jenny Loveless coldly watched Millicent’s corpse disappear. She spun the story on endlessly, talking for hours, knowing she was talking to keep herself alive.

She spoke and spoke and spoke until the sky lightened.


“Oops, its morning,” Spider said. “I never eat after 6 AM--gives me really bad gas through the day. Tell you what--I’ll eat you tonight, after you finish the tale of Scheherazade and the magic lamp with the genius of course.”

“Of course,” Jenny said smiling sweetly. “You don’t mind, do you?”

“No, not at all.” To Jenny’s horror, it was currently in the process of transforming itself into a twenty-something-year-old man. As it altered, so did their surroundings, till finally they were in a normal bedsitter, with Jenny tied to the bed. Where Millicent’s corpse had been, now stood a large freezer. Jenny had no doubts what it contained.

Transformation complete, Spider went into the bathroom to brush his teeth. He came out again fully dressed in a suit complete with tie.

Spider, now the quintessential human, picked up his briefcase and walked over to Jenny. His name tag read: ‘Spyder Mann--Communications Supervisor’. He smiled. “Time I was getting to work,” he said, “I’ll see you tonight.”

“Oh, I’ve just remembered another interesting old tale,” Jenny said, gazing coldly into Spider’s ice-blue eyes. “You’ll love this one. It’s the tale of the War between the Undead Statues of Liberty and the Lost Kings of Hollywood. The hero’s a potter named Harrison who rides a Trojan horse.”

With relief she read the interest in Spider’s eyes.

“Is it a loooooong tale?” Spider asked. “I really must eat you soon.”

She smiled sweetly. “I shouldn’t take too long, but just in case, buy some burgers for both of us--that way we won’t starve before you’re ready to eat me.”

“No need to buy food,” Spider said nicely, “I’ve still got your friend’s torso in the freezer; I don’t mind sharing that with you.”

The door shut behind him. Bound neck, wrist and ankle to the bed, Jenny Loveless resumed her frantic search for a means of escape, before she ran out of stories to tell Spider.

"Entertaining Spider"
Copyright: © 2010 Wol-vriey
Wol-vriey is Nigerian, and quite tall. He believes that there actually are things that go bump in the night.


  1. Yes, you can spin a story. Creepy, funny, and real gooooooood.

  2. Interesting and funny. "What has my gender got to do with anything?" That is classic.