The following is a transcript from the audio journal of Sylvia Radish.

Sylvia: Personal entry. Ah, the second week of April. Which means it is that most glorious time of the year again. The Herbert Hoover High School Science Fair!

As I have documented numerous times in these entries, I have been yearning for that first prize blue ribbon since transferring to this dreary high school two miserable years ago. Now, believe me when I say, I am just as astonished as you are that I still have not been awarded first prize. It’s not that I need the validation from the Herbert Hoover High School faculty in recognition of my brilliance. Or that I desire the respect and adulation of my peers that someone of my superior intellect deserves…it’s not like that would happen anyway. It’s the mere fact that if one more baking soda volcano, or [expletive] weather monitor wins that blue ribbon, I’m going to lose my [expletive] mind!

Now, I’ve decided to take this time to do some self-reflection on my previous entries into my school’s humble science fair, and how I plan to change the common factor that caused my failures.

My first entry was in 2008. I had genetically engineered a new breed of goldfish that not only increased the lifespan of those fragile creatures, but it would have made them the greatest house pet imaginable. Cats? Overrated. Dogs? Please. My goldfish would have put them all to shame. Now, maybe I went a bit overboard by making them so aggressive and protective but can you blame me for trying to be innovative? The guard fish! No burglar would see that coming! But that reasoning wasn’t good enough for Principal Fellows. He said I put too many of the students at risk by giving them a piranha’s killer instinct…and teeth. Perhaps it was an overreaction on my part when I flushed them down the school’s toilets after the awards were handed out, but I did eventually recapture them. And the cafeteria had the best fish stick week in school history, so-

Unknown Voice: [muffled yelling]


[A loud clatter is heard. Perhaps something being knocked over. The scraping of a chair can be heard, followed by footsteps-presumably Sylvia’s. The screaming suddenly gets louder, followed by silence. Steps are heard again.]

Sylvia: Where was I? Ah, yes, at least year’s competition the judging on my project was completely unfair. “Too grotesque,” Principal Fellows said “it’s disturbing to the other students.” I successfully attached a functioning third eye to the back of a mouse’s head, and THAT’S the reception I get!? They should have been begging me to take that blue ribbon from them!

So, that brings us to this year’s fair. As you know, I left my old school because of some…misunderstandings with the local authorities. “Dr. Victoria Frankenstein” the newspapers called me. I don’t know what happened to all of those stray dogs. Or who stole those chemicals from the school laboratories but my parents thought it would be best to get a fresh start in a new town, and I’ve tried to make the best of it.

But I digress. I realized the common variable in all of my failures was right in front of my face. Principal Fellows. Luckily, he unexpectedly resigned from his position as principal last week. Quite unceremoniously too, he left a letter on his desk last Monday and apparently left his house without even taking any of his belongings. People are strange like that.

The question now is what exactly will I be doing for my project this year? I was thinking of creating a human/plant hybrid and seeing if he…or it… will grow in the school courtyard. Or maybe a simple brain transplant between a human and a baboon? Luckily, I found a willing volunteer who’s only too happy to help me win that first place ribbon. He owes me one.

[End of recording]

"Science Fair"
Copyright: © 2010 Brian Long
Brian Long is a male. He writes stuff. He and others (male and female) have some of their writings here:

No comments:

Post a Comment