In a time that was very near to the beginning, but not quite the beginning itself, there used to be life on all the planets in the solar system. And God looked down upon the abundance of life that He had created and saw that it was good.

For the most part.

He had, it seems, a bit of a problem with the third planet, the one He called Earth. For, unlike all the other planets that God had created, there was no laughter on Earth. No laughter at all.

And the absence of laughter on Earth so troubled God that He set about creating a committee by which He and representatives from all the other planets might discuss the matter.

"You need a clown, that's what you need," said the representative from Jupiter, thumping its margalon on the table for emphasis.

"A clown? What's a clown?" asked God.

"You know, something funny-looking," said the Martian. "Something that'll make you laugh just to look at it."

"Do you know of anything like that?" asked God.

The Martian leaned back in its chair and stroked its dilligaff thoughtfully. "Yes," it said after a moment, "I believe I do. In fact, I think we might have just what you're looking for right here on Mars."

"Really? Tell me, tell me, what does it look like? Does it have any fur?"

"Yes. Well, not all over. But in spots it does, though it calls it by a different name as I recall."

"And where exactly is this fur, or whatever it is?"

"Well, it's got some on the very top, of course. Oh yes, and then there's a patch of it right near its dingley-dangley thing, as well."

"It has a dingley-dangley thing?"

"Oh, heavens yes. Waggles it all over the place, it does. Not only that, but it appears to be quite proud of it." Then, for dramatic effect, the Martian leaned in close to God's ear and whispered loudly enough for everyone to hear, "even though it's really quite small and hard to see from anything more than just a few zickers away."

The room erupted in laughter.

God's face broke out into a huge smile. "Tell me more about this creature, this … this … what did you call it?"

"Clown, Sir. It's called a clown," said the representative from Jupiter, shaking its wunkle back and forth and sighing in exasperation.

"Yes, yes. A clown. Of course, of course. I should have remembered that. Tell me something else funny about this clown thing, if you can."

"Well, it's got four legs," said the Martian.

"Four legs has it? Well, I can't see the humor in that. I mean, I thought I made a lot of creatures with four legs. Didn't I?"

"Indeed you did, Sir, and I must say, the four-legged paradigm that You employed was pure inspiration. I can't begin to tell You what a delight it is to see so many creatures walking about on all fours the way they do. So stable, so balanced. But this creature, when it walks," and here the Martian paused again, "only uses two of them."

Once more the room erupted in fits of laughter.

"Well, if it only uses two of its legs, what on earth does it do with the other two?" God asked.

"It plays with its dingley-dangley thing!" screamed the Martian.

And all the representatives doubled or – in the case of the Neptunian – tripled over with laughter, slapping their gazotskies and laughing their asses off.

And, when He was done with the laughing and had finished sticking everybody's ass back on, God raised His hands high in the air and shouted, "Hallelujah! Hallelujah! I believe we have found the answer to My prayers."

And so it came to pass that God seeded the firmament that was His Earth with clowns He had borrowed from Mars. And the other creatures of the Earth, upon seeing the new creature walking around with its funny looking little dingley-dangley thing, began to snicker. And the snickering begat giggling. And the giggling begat chuckling. And the chuckling begat laughter. And, lo and behold, soon the whole of the Earth was filled with merriment.

And God looked down upon what He had created and said that it was good.

Then Mrs. God walked into the room and took a peek at what was happening on Earth. As was her wont in such matters, she made some snide comments about how the new clown creature was messing up Her beautiful gardens by leaving its dirty underwear lying around all over the place. However, She knew just the creature that could teach it to pick up after itself – and to quit writing its name in the snow every time it peed.

But that's a story for another time.

"The Clowns of God"

Copyright: © 2010 Michael Pelc


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