When Charlie left the bakery with a bag full of donuts, he was abducted by aliens. The next thing he knew, he was sitting in a chair in their spacecraft with the donuts in his lap. Facing him were a dozen green Martians. All were holding clipboards and taking notes.
“Welcome aboard,” said the tallest one. “My name is Glarp. We won’t keep you long. We just want to remove one of your eyes for analysis. Don’t worry, you won’t feel a thing. What’s that in your lap?”
“A bag of donuts.”
“What’s a donut?”
“Something good to eat.”
Glarp nudged the greenie next to him. “Take one and taste it. If it’s really good, we’ll reverse engineer it, duplicate it, and open donut shops back home.”
As the Martian approached, Charlie extended a glazed cinnamon twist. When the alien took a bite, he screamed, and fell to the floor convulsing. In seconds, he disintegrated into a pile of dust.
Charlie grabbed another cinnamon twist from the bag and pointed it at the Martians. “OK, you bums. Put your hands up. This bag’s full weapons of mass destruction. The one I’m holding is powerful enough to blow this spaceship to smithereens. If you don’t return me to Earth immediately, I’ll set it off.”
Trembling, the Martians did as Charlie commanded.
When he arrived home, his wife hollered, “Where the hell have you been for the last three hours? I’ve been dying for a donut.”
When he tried to explain, she called him an idiot.
“You don’t understand,” he said. “I’ve made a remarkable discovery. Donuts are more than what they seem. In fact, they can be used as very effective weapons against Martians. Do you realize with a cinnamon twist, we may be able to end alien abductions forever? I’m gonna call Homeland Security right now and tell them.”
The agent who answered the phone called Charlie an idiot and hung up.
Charlie wrote to the President, Congress, and heads of the armed forces. Nobody bothered to respond.
When he called radio talk shows, the hosts derided him and terminated his call before he could explain how donuts could be used to kill Martians and defend the country against invasion.
The only way I’ll be able to convince anybody is if I run for Congress, he mumbled. When I’m elected, I’ll have some clout. And when they interview me on CNN and Fox News, I’ll be able to tell everybody about the fantastic power of donuts.
Charlie got elected to Congress and managed to wrangle an appointment to the Armed Forces Committee. During a secret hearing about UFOs and what the Air Force was doing to defend the country against alien intrusions, he finally got a chance to tell a general how cinnamon twists affected Martians.
During a break in the hearings, he approached the general in charge of US Air Defense Forces and explained his ideas on defending the nation against Martians.
“You want me to remove one of the four air-to-air missiles on our UFO-chasing fighter planes and replace it with a donut?” asked the incredulous general.
“Right. I have reason to believe that all UFOs come from Mars. I have reliable information about a situation where an abductee killed a Martian with a glazed cinnamon twist. Not only that, the guy got away by threatening to blow up their spacecraft with a cinnamon twist. I’m sure by now the word got around Mars, and every UFO pilot and crew know about this. So, I figure if we shoot cinnamon twists at UFOs, instead of missiles, we’ll scare them off for good. I suggest we run a test.”
The general agreed. A month later, two Air Defense fighter planes were scrambled to intercept a UFO over Phoenix. Instead of shooting missiles to scare it away, each pilot fired an oversized cinnamon twist. The pilots were amazed when the UFO suddenly changed direction and hightailed it into outer space at warp speed. After that incident, no UFOs were ever seen again over Detroit.
The same thing happened when UFOs were spotted over Chicago and New York. Consequently, the President issued an executive order stating that all Air Force attack planes guarding against UFO intrusions were to be armed with four oversized, glazed, cinnamon twists.
Nevertheless, some UFO’s managed to get through the global radar shield undetected, and abducted dozens of Earthlings. When Congressman Charlie learned this, he spoke of his abduction experience during a congressional hearing. Afterward, he sponsored a bill to provide every citizen in the United States with a fresh cinnamon twist, every day for life. It passed unanimously.
Before long, all citizens wore cinnamon twists around their necks, 24/7. As a result, alien abductions ceased completely.
Earthlings can once again enjoy munching cinnamon twists, instead of wearing them in self defense.
"Weapons of Mass Destruction"
Copyright: © 2010 Michael A. Kechula
Michael A. Kechula is a retired tech writer. His stories have been published by 129 magazines and 36 anthologies. He’s won first place in 10 contests and placed in 8 others. He’s authored three books of flash fiction, micro-fiction, and short stories: The Area 51 Option and 70 More Speculative Fiction Tales; A Full Deck of Zombies--61 Speculative Fiction Tales; I Never Kissed Judy Garland and Other Tales of Romance. eBook versions available at www.BooksForABuck.com and www.fictionwise.com Paperbacks available at www.amazon.com.