The Colonel woke up and placed his feet on the floor. When he stood, he found himself plummeting through the floor, through the ground below, through the many layers of the planet. The Colonel went careening straight through to the center of the Earth, passed it, and kept falling.

As he approached the opposite side of the planet, which for cliché’s sake we’ll call ‘China’, the Colonel’s rate of descent dropped by the mile until he came to a brief complete stop. Then gravity kicked in and sent the Colonel falling back the way he came.

And this sort of thing continued for quite some time, hurtling toward ‘China’ then back toward home then back toward ‘China’ then back home and so on and so forth. With every reversal of gravity, the Colonel’s trip grew a little shorter until he was falling in twenty-foot increments to-and-from the center of the Earth.

After a good long while of flying back-and-forth from the core, the Colonel, nearly bored with the process, came to a stop. And there, sitting in an armchair at the center of the world, was the Major, who had spent all night digging a Colonel-sized hole through the planet.

“Gotcha motherfucker,” said the Major.

“What is this?” asked the Colonel.

The Major grinned and leaned in. “Take your fucking dog inside.”

The Colonel could do nothing more than gape at the Major, sitting like a smug demon in his leather armchair at the Earth’s core. It was enough to go through the whole ordeal of arriving there in the first place, not to mention the physical impossibility of the whole damn situation, but now this? This was why he fell through the fucking Earth? To be taught a lesson?

“”That’s it?” asked the Colonel. “That’s why I fell through the fucking Earth? To be taught a fucking lesson?”

“It barks all day,” said the Major, “and it howls all night. I. Get. No. Peace.”

“You’re nuts.”

“You’re inconsiderate!”

“I…” The Colonel stopped and considered this.

Shit, maybe the Major was right. It was true, he did leave his dog outside all day and all night. And it was also true that it did bark and howl quite a bit. He could see how that would grate on someone’s nerves. Maybe he was being a tad inconsiderate to his neighbors. The Major was right, once he got home, the Colonel would take his dog inside, and maybe send each neighbor a small card offering his sincere apologies for any stress caused by the dog’s barking, and -

Hang on. Hold the fuckin’ phone. The Major spent valuable time digging a perfectly Colonel-sized hole through the earth. The Major just sent the Colonel flying through the fucking planet, and was now sitting in an armchair at the center of the earth. With no apparent means of escape.

Something is not right.

“How do we get out of here?” asked the Colonel.

The Major’s grin dropped.

He had failed to think that part through.

"The Colonel & The Major"

Copyright: © 2010 Josh Myers


Josh Myers has spent the past three years selling hot sauce in New Hope, Pa. He lives in Lambertville, NJ where he spends his time alternately reading whatever he can and griping about the state of things.

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