Kathleen Turner was at Ralph’s grocery shopping in her electric go-cart, trying her best to get the things she needed on her list without ramming into shelves and knocking over displays. The obstacles were too many and she was very hungover and pissed off.

A crate of oranges slammed to the ground, scattering in every direction. She started screaming out loud. “SON OF A MOTHERFUCKING BITCH, MOTHER OF HELL! FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK!!!" A nearby shopper took notice, realizing who the horribly aged actress was and took out his camera, running at her to snap photographs.

He yelled, “Mrs. Turner! Is it true that Michael Douglas punched you in the face on the set of Romancing the Stone and took a shit in your purse??!”

Kathleen Turner twisted in her chair and screamed, blocking the bright flashes with her hands. She started flipping out completely, and pathetically sobbed and begged, “Leave me alone! Please get away!”

A teenage boy ran up behind her and took his dick out and started smacking her on the back of the head with it. She turned her head to see what was happening and his penis hit her in the eye.

“RAPE!! RAPE!!!!” she cried. “Someone call the POLICE!!!!” Kathleen Turner starting convulsing, and pissed herself. Everyone in the entire store gathered around her to point and laugh. She yelled, “No! NOOOOOOO! Stop it! Please stop it! What have I done to deserve this? WHAT, I ask you?!”

The man snapping photos called her a cunt and told her to shut up.

At that moment Tom Cruise broke through a skylight and landed on the photographer, crushing him with his weight in a hail of shattered glass. The crowd gasped. Kathleen Turner’s mouth was agape with this shocking turn of events. Tom Cruise looked at her, offered his hand, and said, “Kathleen Turner, we need your help.” Kathleen farted and shit her pants.



Copyright: © 2011 Vince Kramer



  1. This is a skilful piece about celebrity obsessed culture. It depicts a distracting dystopia where celebs, real people, will really be knocked about for the fun of the masses just because they grow old. Either way, what you did here was just exaggerated enough to invoke silence from the kind of people who like the way things are going because it's easy. Good work.

  2. Ha ha! Kathleen Turner! She can't drive her wheelchair worth a shit. I love this.